The little black cloud of research ennui has returned

The third year of a Clinical PhD is synonymous with duck feet paddling furiously under the water, juggling balls rolling out of one’s reach and the relationship between student and thesis reflecting that of passing ships in the night. Third year is the year we spend ten months on placement while also trying to juggle research, and for many of us, paid work too.

Objectively, ten months on placement while keeping your thesis inching along might not sound that complicated. Especially when you consider that part of second year required juggling placement, research and a class. So, third year has to be easier because there aren’t any classes, right? Sadly, the third year of my Clinical PhD is living up to its reputation for being exceptionally difficult. I thought it was just me initially and that I was simply “doing third year wrong”, but other people feel the same.

The most sense I can make of why third year seems so much more difficult is that our research is now more demanding. In your third year the most complex studies of a PhD are typically devised, run and analysed and then finally, written up. The stop-start approach that must be taken towards your research due to juggling placement and work  at the same time is therefore a recipe for frustration. You hear that life as an academic is much the same: time pressure and a never-ending to-do list. I hope there is still some scope to engineer your schedule to allow for solid blocks of time to concentrate on your research though (a few hours even?!) even if it is just once a week? I also sincerely hope that the 50 hour work weeks with only a couple of days off each month that I’ve faced for the past six weeks aren’t constant in academia either…

So what is the point of this post? I’m a fan of “keeping it real” when blogging about my PhD journey. So while many parts of doing a PhD are amazing, I also think it’s important to acknowledge that sometimes doing a Clinical PhD is just as difficult as it is rewarding. For the first time I’m finding myself questioning why I am doing this, whether doing a Clinical PhD is really worth the burn out I’m currently experiencing, whether I will be able to submit on time and whether I will be able to find a job that combines research and practice. In the words of the Thesis Whisperer, I’m passing through the “Valley of Shit” and if this resonates with you, I salute you.

 

This post has sat in my drafts folder for over a month. I’d hoped I’d be able to post it with the amendment that I’d gotten out of “the Valley” and things had drastically improved. To be honest, the pace hasn’t improved much and doesn’t look like it drastically will until about Mid-November. There have been a few minor improvements: my placement workload is more manageable and a work commitment will end soon, so I’ll be able to eke back a few hours. I’m also feeling slightly less jaded this week because I was able to work on my thesis properly for the first time in months, but I am still very much burnt out.  In fact, though I’m actually on placement this weekend for a couple of hours, I think I’ll go on strike and actually take the rest of the weekend off!

Honourable Mentions

Therapy as a learning experience for both client and therapist

Every psychology placement teaches you something. While you expect to build your therapy and assessment skills, you might not anticipate the things you’ll learn about yourself. My first placement taught me that I love working with kids, that a 50+ hour work week is just not my calling, and that I’m a practical therapist; no one leaves my sessions without something concrete to use or work on. My second placement hasn’t stinted on personal insights either. For the first time, I’ve had the chance to work with adults and in the public sector. Along the way I’ve met many brave, kind and wise people; clients and practitioners alike, I’ve also learned about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (love it!), and visited hospitals, hostels and everywhere in between. But what have I learned about myself?:

1) I like freedom and autonomy – the ability to tailor therapy and assessment techniques to the client.

The individualised approach can be tricky to provide whether you are a psychologist in the private sector and limited by time and resources, or a psychologist in the public sector and expected to follow a particular assessment protocol. Regardless, I now recognise that I like the idea of individualised therapy and assessment, within my means. Why? One size does not fit all. That, and I like efficiency 😀

2) Sometimes psychologists get concerned, and that’s okay. 

At this point I may have thrown you.. Why is that okay? Aren’t psychologists supposed to be non-judgemental and accepting? How can you expect someone to talk to them about the tough stuff if they are worried or uneasy?  Well, bear with me because I agree. Psychologists should be open and non-judgemental so they can objectively understand and support their clients’ journeys. They also need to make sure that the biases and feelings that come along with being human don’t interfere with their work. BUT, at the same time they need to respect that some feelings, such as a sense of unease, might be an important signal that something is not as it should be; that the client, someone they know or even the psychologist themselves, may be at risk. This information can then be used to prompt further assessment to understand what is going on and to develop a plan to keep everyone safe. So in a nutshell, I learned that objectivity as a psychologist isn’t so black and white, it’s a balancing act of being accepting and non-judgemental while not entirely dismissing your own reactions insofar as they are helpful to therapy.

3) I’m a specialist, not a generalist.

The fact that I’m doing a PhD and therefore learning a lot about a teeny tiny area should have made this revelation a no-brainer, but it was still a bit of a surprise. Having had the opportunity to try lots of different things has shown me that while I could work in other areas – I get the most enjoyment working in my specialty area. This certainly helps with narrowing down what I’d like to be doing next!

So it’s true what they say about therapy being collaborative because client and therapist are teachers and students alike. The therapist may bring a raft of tools to share, but the client also brings lived experience to the table which adds to and shapes this toolkit. And in the process of learning how best to use these techniques to address the issue at hand, the strengths, weaknesses and preferences of both client and therapist can be highlighted.

Who knows what lessons my next placement will lead me to!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2013: The year in review

I’m officially on my short but much needed Christmas break (YAHOO)! Hopefully taking some time to recharge my batteries before placement begins in early January will clear away the rest of that little black cloud of research ennui that’s still hanging around. Now that I’ve finally got some time to call my own though, I thought I’d revisit my hopes and dreams for the year to see how they played out.

In terms of the clinical components of my degree, I’d wanted to soak up as much experience and knowledge as I could on my first placement  from my supervisor, clients and fellow trainees to develop my skills and confidence in practice psychology.  I definitely achieved all of the above and consequently feel much more confident about my upcoming second placement than I did with my first.

The outcomes of my coursework aspirations were a bit of a mixed bag though. In many respects, the coursework component of my degee exceeded my expectations. My final topic, which was about health psychology, proved to be my favourite and exposed me to another area of psychology that I might like to work in at some point in my career. As I had hoped, I gained the classes and assignments provided me with a deeper knowledge of psychology and reiterated that I’m more competent than I give myself credit for. However, I had wanted to apply the theory I had learned. Though case conceptualisation and our self-examination of our therapy skills proved useful on placement, I wasn’t able to put my cognitive therapy knowledge into practice as much as I would have liked. Hopefully that will change in the coming year. It still seems surreal to think that next year there won’t be any more coursework. Though I’ll miss the discussions and seeing my classmates each week (we had some great extra-curricular celebrations too 🙂 ), after 19 straight years of formal lessons, I’m more than ready to step out of the classroom!

Similarly, I had mixed outcomes in achieving the goals for the research components of my degree. Some of my aspirations didn’t quite come to fruition as I had planned. For instance, I didn’t manage to write regularly, but I did almost complete the first chapter of my PhD and make a start on the second. Other things can clearly be crossed off my list of goals however, including finding better ways to let potential participants know about my studies, meeting data collection quotas and fostering friendships with fellow students. I can’t recommend using social media enough to promote your research and, I can attest that there’s nothing like exploring a foreign country to really get to know people!  Perhaps my biggest success was in developing my critical analysis skills. Thanks to my work as a research assistant, my own research and a bit of a stats boot camp by another student, I’ve developed my reading muscle, ability to critique and understand studies and I’ve been introduced to new analysis techniques.

But did I achieve my most important goal for 2013, to pull off all the above and not lose myself or my social life in the process? Well, yes and no. Work, placement and classes certainly drove me into hermitude at times. My immune system packed its bags on me several times this last semester as well, to the extent that one of my eyes decided that a conference workshop was the perfect time to begin watering so profusely that it looked like I was crying!! How embarrassing. Despite all that, I did have a lot of fun along the way too, making time to catch-up with family and friends, see Muse in concert and join a dance class. So, I think I’ll give myself a B minus on the achieving balance assignment… Onwards and upwards for next year.

I hope you had successful 2013, and that you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 🙂

Honourable Mentions